… man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth.
(Oscar Wilde, “The Critic as Artist“)
The word “person” comes from the Latin persona (from the Greek prosopon), meaning mask, as in the mask worn by actors on the classical stage. A person, then, in its original meaning, is not the player, not the living human being, but rather the role played.
(Alva Noë, “Faces And Masks“)
… autobiography is an attempt to reconcile one’s life with one’s self …
(Publisher’s synopsis of Telling Lies in Modern American Autobiography by Timothy Dow Adams)
I am at a crossroads. Having finally entered a career I wouldn’t mind keeping, I face the dilemma faced by many in this age of social media and ubiquitous blogs. Should I erase myself to ensure no person who holds authority over me can use what I’ve said against me? Should I boldly go into the future reckless of the danger? I’ve spent a lot of time here at the crossroads, actually, and I can tell you that, when faced with a choice between going forward or taking a turn, I usually end up summoning the devil and making a deal.
A fair chunk of the content here is autobiographical, at least in part. There is also a fair amount of my actual political and cultural perspective invested in this site. Those are all parts of me, and they come with me to the table. I hate to cover myself up, because I hate feeling phony, and I always figure if anyone wants to dig up dirt badly enough, they’ll find something to complain about anyway. With no secrets, I cannot be accused of hiding something. I would rather own myself than constantly fear the dropping of the other shoe.
Still, everything I say, every face I present is a choice. Which bits are exaggerated or even fabricated? Which memories depart from the objective truth?
As any (honest and self-aware) keyboard warrior will tell you, the internet is a mask from behind which one tells a rather extreme version of the truth. I do not hide my liberal views, nor do I soften them. In fact, in the heat of an argument, they frequently appear amped up, on steroids, to hammer home the point. A reasonable reader, trying to get a sense of the whole human being behind the quote, will hopefully recognize that there is a difference between this warrior persona and a more politically astute and professional persona to be worn in different circumstances.
A library director’s circumstances thus dictate that personal politics be suspended, that all voices be heard and all people represented. I have access to the part of myself who understands human beings holistically and maintains a compassionate curiosity about who they are, their wants and needs. It’s a good fit for a library director, actually. I show genuine interest in the people I meet in the community, regardless of which side of the political fence they’re on. I make sure, to the best of my ability, that the library serves all of them.
We all choose which bits of ourselves to emphasize, which lines to mumble or edit out of the script. In particular, I am up front about my psychiatric history because I truly believe that society will be better for everyone when such divergent ways of being are destigmatized. I don’t just pay lip service to that, I work to make it happen. But how does that translate to, say, the conservative library board trustee deciding whether I am a good risk?
I would hope that years of stability and all of the work I’ve done learning to cope and compensate not only make up any deficit, but that they stand as a testament to my courage and resolve, translating into something of an advantage. A wild hope, sure. Regardless, this is the way I choose to go forward, let the fallout settle where it may.
Sisyphus in the Stacks 